Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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