I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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