im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
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You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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