i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
