Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
