I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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