My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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