I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
