he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i just made my gag reflex go away.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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