He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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