If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
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I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
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I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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