so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
