24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
