i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
