Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
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I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
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My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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