I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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