Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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