Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
