I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
