Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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