I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
