drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
