Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The uberlube is also flammable
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
