god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
