i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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