dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
