I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
