I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
