I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
