I'm jealous of your bromance
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
