shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
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If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
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The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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