So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
