so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
