don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
