i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
