He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
