so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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