My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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