do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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