Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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