A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
