You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
