I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
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My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
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I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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