seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
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Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Everclear isn't food dammit
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize