One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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