i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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