You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
