i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
