I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
