I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
