Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
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