apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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