Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
