Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
