I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
