Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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