i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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