I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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