i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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