The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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