Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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