So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
