So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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