you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
oh god the rape fog is back!
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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