I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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