I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
